The Fat Triathlete
Heavy Into Triathlon!

Spinning Out of Control...

The start time was 5:30am and I was about 5 minutes early but even as I arrived the realization hit that ten extra minutes to clear my grogginess might have helped. A middle aged lady in spandex jumped off her bike in front of the room and scurried across the floor to meet me.

"We are so glad to see you this morning!" I was immediately suspicious of anyone overwhelmingly chipper at this stage of the day. "Are you here for the class?"

Still bleary eyed I nodded trying not to wonder out loud what else I could be doing here at 5:30 am unless it was criminally related, "Yes I am," I drawled in reply.

She perked up even more if that were possible, "Let's get you a bike!"

"Make sure it's a fast one," I said candidly. I admit my humor wasn't up to speed yet and the look she gave me should have been a warning in itself.

Once mounted on my trusty stationary spinning bike the lady hit a button on a CD player that was against the wall. If I hadn't been awake to this point things were about to change.

The Bike Lady's mood changed from that of a nice homebody to that of a drill sergeant. "Follow my lead, keep my pace!" She barked loudly into a wireless mike. The people around me settled into an exact rhythm that looked like some weird choreographed dance. I was having a bit of trouble with my trusty stead as the thing seemed to have a hair trigger on the tensioner. In the meantime warm up was over and things were picking up.

"Crank 'em down to 8!" the Bike Lady growled. Startled I began looking for numbers near the tension adjust. Hmmm, nothing there, this must be a guessing game. I eyed the Sergeant warily as I cranked on the tension until her watchful stare moved away from me. Now I was having a hell of a time pumping away at the pedals as the rest of the masochistic group bounced happily. I was tired already but it would be manageable for a while at this pace.

"Out of the saddle!" the Sergeant yelled. I almost fell off the bike in fear as I hadn't been ready for that last order but I obediently caught myself and stood panting in the stirrups pedaling for all I was worth. The rest of the group bounced along contently although  I could see I wasn't the only one laboring now.

As fatigue set in I began to lower my head and dream of nicer places...

"YOU! Get your head up!" Sergeant Nazi had directed the latest onslaught directly at me! I snapped my head up and managed a weak smile but it wasn't returned. Almost exhausted I reached to turn the tension down but stopped short in her icy stare. 'Just keep pedaling,' I thought to myself, 'Maybe she won't sacrifice you when the sun comes up.' I looked at the clock. Only 45 minutes to go. Screw this!

I stopped pedaling not realizing that the special spinning bike had some kind of counter balance and no free spin on it. Being strapped by the feet I was practically launched over the handlebars on the up stroke. My stomach hit the middle of the handle bars at which time my left foot fell free of the strap. Unfortunately my right foot had not and the down stroke sucked me backwards off the bars and off balance, falling straight toward the ground. Thanks goodness the crossbar was there to break my fall. To add insult to injury the possessed bike made one more turn with the pedal striking the back of my thigh and leaving its mark.

The Bike Nazi watched all this happen as if she had seem it all before and then without missing a beat dismounted her bike warning the others not to stop and headed over to me. She asked if I were ok as I cringed in fear and then she jumped back to her task of terrorizing the others. I managed to get untangled and hobbled to the door...

"Don't forget, Wednesday 5:30 am!" The Bike Nazi boomed into her mike. "I won't ever forget," I mumbled under my breath and limped quietly out the door.